aka Bridget Jones

Culture Club in NYC

2006-03-10T07:32:00.000-08:00

Fantastic news!! This weekend I'm traveling to New York City to hang out with some friends, and we'll be going to Culture Club, one of the best 80's dance clubs you'll ever find!! Yes, it's a little hokey, but that's why it's so great!!

Anyway, tomorrow they'll have a live performer, none other than the Mall Princess.....Tiffany!! I went as her for Halloween last year!! This is spectacular!! I'm going to try my best to get a picture, and maybe shoot for singing a duet of 'I Think We're Alone Now.' Wish me luck.

Rules for dating me

2006-02-23T14:43:00.000-08:00

I recently was forwarded a Smoking Gun article about a man who for many reasons was on trial - among them child pornography. Something that was submitted as evidence of his ineptness as a companion was a list of rules and expectations he had for his spouse. While I found them ridiculous, disgusting, and completely out of his league (as most people would), it did get me thinking that there had to be a set of rules each person needed as guidelines for what it would take to date them (or grounds for termination of the relationship). Here are some of mine:

Hair
1. The prefix ‘uni’ should not be used when discussing anything on your face. Women spend good money to make sure they have two eyebrows, you should do the same. Your eyebrows do not need shape and lift, but there need to be two, and kept trimmed to a point where they have not formed their own confederacy.

2. If the hair on top of your head is thinning, there is no need to grow what you have long. It does not fool women. If anything, it resembles an attempt at a Flock of Seagulls hairstyle, which, with the exception of Culture Club in New York City, no longer is cool. Chances are likely we’d prefer to see a shorter cut and less hair.

3. Many men are proud of the facial hair they can grow. Please remember a few things – if you cannot grow a complete beard, do not grow half that lines your face. It makes you look Amish, or like you’re trying to relive the time in your youth when you couldn’t grow anything more than pencil shavings on your face.

4. Upkeep is necessary –

a. acceptable facial hair should not move with a light breeze
b. It should not be so long that food frequently gets caught in it

5. If the hair on your back resembles that of a yeti, it’s time to wax. It may be painful, but so are braces, broken bones, and needing to lint brush the bed – all necessary evils, with the exception of the last.

6. Hair should not come out of the ears. Period. If you have a situation where it does, this needs to be trimmed and out of site.

7. Ditto with hair coming from the nose.

8. If you have a mass of chest hair, please keep it under control. It is acceptable to see it from the top of a shirt, but refrain from brushing and fluffing it, reminiscent of David Hasselhoff in Knight Rider, or Tom Selleck in Magnum, P. I.

Odor
1. Deodorant is a non-negotiable. If you think it is, argue this point while dating someone else.

2. No, I do not think you waking up, not showering, and not putting on deodorant is a sign of your manhood.

3. Cologne is to be worn in moderation. Showering in it, soaking in it, or applying more than 3 times a day is in excess and will not be tolerated.

4. Flatulence is not an acceptable odor to surround yourself with.

5. No, I do not think the smell of your feet or bellybutton is cute.

Dress
1. The Seattle grunge look went out with the 90’s. Please check your local Banana Republic for an updated, sophisticated look.

2. If your clothes have multiple tears, excessive fading due to wear, and you wear these for things other than housework, yardwork, or a home video recording of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, please throw them out. Goodwill doesn’t even want them.

3. Pants have the following requirements:

a. They are to be no shorter than touching the top of your shoe with a small fold – if you can see socks and you’re not sitting, they’re too short
b. Pants should not taper
c. Pants should not be stonewashed unless you are at, traveling to or from an 80s party
d. Pants should not be tight
e. No pleats!
f. Pants should not be so large that it looks like you had an accident in them
g. Pants, other than blue denim, should not be any other color than brown, navy, black, tan, light khaki, or olive – exceptions may be made, but they will not be made for bright, primary colors

4. Do not wear sweaters with wild patterns. I’ll have a flashback to my Mark-Paul Gosselaar obsession of the early 90s.

5. If you have a leather jacket, please wear the appropriate size, you’re not fooling anybody into thinking you’re Shaft.

6. Jewelry and accessories are to be kept to a minimum. A watch is acceptable, possibly a ring or two. A few points:

a. Gold chains are not to be worn unless your first name is ‘Mr,’ middle name ‘.,’ last name ‘T.’
b. Do not have a digital watch unless you are an athlete – if you are an athlete, do not wear the digital watch unless you are working out
c. Do not wear hemp – at all
d. Any accessory you wear should not cause you to jingle

Behavior
1. Do not approach me if you think you’re going to be clever and you’ve had more than 2 drinks.

2. Do not try to ask me out if you have vomit on your shirt, yours or someone else’s.

3. Do not try to ask me out if you can’t speak without spitting or belching mid-sentence.

4. If you think you can dance, but it involves thumb movements and kicking, please don’t.

5. If we are dancing and it results in a cramp on one side of my body, we don’t belong together.

6. Within the first 3 dates, do not explain your dating style as ‘casual’ or a ‘time-filler.’

7. If you think hitting on my friends is a good way to get ‘the in’ with them, you don’t need to call me again.

8. If you are dating one of my friends, don’t hit on me.

9. If you are thinking about dating either me or a friend, don’t hit on both of us at once, it makes you look like a pimp – but not in a good way.

10. If you think a good way of showing your masculinity is by picking fights with people, don’t call me again.

11. Do not refer to yourself in third person.

12. If your penmanship and/or grammatical skills have not passed a 1st grade level, don’t call me again.

13. If, while at a restaurant, you want someone’s attention and decide throwing bits of food is the way to do it, don’t be surprised if I leave.

14. Any behaviors can be added to this list at any time, if they evoke the following reactions from me: disgust, nausea, fright, annoyance, convulsions, uncontrollable urges of pain infliction, tears of depression from wasting time.

Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T06:42:00.000-08:00

I typically don't go into this holiday with a bad attitude. In fact, I take it in stride. It just is that historically speaking, February 14 doesn't work well for me.

There was my high school boyfriend, Tim, who was so late getting me flowers, that they didn't have any baby's breath left for the roses, so instead he had to use narcissus as accents, and it just looked like a bunch of weeds.

In college Brent decided it was too expensive to send flowers on V-Day, so he waited until the day after, sent me 3 roses, complained about the cost, then proceeded to tell me about the sweet new stereo he got for himself. We broke up 2 days later.

My post-college serious relationship, Ryan and I had broke up about a week prior to Valentine's Day. For some reason he decided to choose V-Day as the day to exchange whatever personal affects we had of each other.

Of course, there's last year, which may take the cake. I decided to do some grocery shopping after work, and, amongst many other items of everyday use, got a pint of Ben & Jerry's to go with the movie I'd be watching that night. The 16-year-old boy cashier scanned all my items, singled out the pint of joy I'd be consuming in approximately one hour, and exclaimed, "Uh-oh! Looks like somebody's single today!" I think that's the single moment I almost resolved my single status frustration with violence. That kid is lucky there were witnesses.

So while I'm not exactly dreading today, I don't have high hopes for this to be a day to write down in the positive history books. But I will say this - I saw the most spectacular she-mullet when I was walking into Starbucks this morning, so at least I started out on a positive note.

NorEaster?

2006-02-11T19:21:00.000-08:00

Why is it that the minute I actually plan a trip somewhere, a freakin' snowstorm has to tear through the area? It isn't like I'm planning a huge vacation, just a short getaway, and suddenly New York is seeing snow like they haven't seen since New Year, 2000. Coincidentally enough, the last time I visited.

All I'm asking for is a couple days away from the office, some overpriced sushi, and some overpriced, yet very strong drinks. And a few days surrounded by people who prounce words containing an 'r' with more of an 'ah' sound (i.e. Instead of 'park the car,' 'pahk the cah.').

Northwest airlines also better upgrade me to first class tomorrow, the only way I'm getting through the morning is with a mimosa and watching Anchorman the whole way.

My Friday night

2006-02-10T15:29:00.000-08:00

Once again, I find myself looking at this post, trying to figure out what to say. I don't think much happens in my life that's terribly exciting, but somehow I have the most ridiculously amusing stories to tell. I tend to get myself into situations that are so humiliating, it could only happen to one person. And that person is me. Woo-hoo!!

Last night I went test driving Audi's with my friend, C.I.G. (we'll refer to him as 'Steve'). While granted, these are amazing cars, does the sales guy have to drive along with us? What a Sally. Of course, I did manage to get myself locked in the backseat, no idea what button I pushed to make that happen, but thanks to Sally, I got out.

I'm looking forward to the night ahead of me - frozen pizza (which will inevitably set off the smoke detector in my apartment, as it always does), a good movie (is Crash good, I heard it was), wine (a cab - Chianti is for pansy drinkers), and some filing (I'm anal like Monica from Friends). While this seems pathetic for a 26 year-old to be doing on a Friday night.....I can't help but agree with you.